Name it to Tame it
I just love this picture of our daughter Amy Jo. Have you ever had one of those days? She’s an adult now with a family of her own, but this little girl had some sass. Today, she’s got lots of class but still has some of that cute sass. She could give you that “stank eye” in a flash. She was at her grandmother’s house when my Mom captured this adorableness. I wish I knew what was going on at the moment. She was all up in her feels and probably wasn’t happy that her picture was being taken. She still doesn’t like to be in pictures.
A child’s feelings can be quite complex. They lack the skills to manage their emotions effectively, which means everything can be a big deal. We must remember that a child’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed, and they need this part of the brain to experience intense emotions. So, when children are overwhelmed, they are not capable of reasoning as adults are.
You may hear your children giggling in a room, and in a matter of seconds, a bloodcurdling scream comes from the same room. You run to their aid, thinking that a door has been shut on one of their fingers, only to find your daughter can’t get her doll’s pants on (eye-roll). Seriously?! You almost had a heart attack.
What is a parent, caretaker, or educator to do? Being present and empathetic when a child is expressing BIG emotions isn’t easy. Yet, we have an important role in helping children identify and name their feelings as we find teachable moments to navigate challenging emotions. It’s also beneficial to perceive the world through their eyes, which takes practice and patience.
“Name it to tame it” is a technique identified by Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine. When we can identify and name our feelings and emotions, we are more likely to reduce the stress associated with those feelings simply by using our words. “Naming it” out loud can lessen the intensity of the moment, as a child feels seen, heard, and understood - in effect, “taming” the emotion.
I think we’ve all been guilty of negating a child’s feelings by making statements like, “There’s nothing to be scared of,”… ”Don’t be sad,” or “Big boys and girls don’t cry.” What children need most is to know that you are listening, that you are there, and that you care.
Let’s look at a few emotions that we can help children name to tame:
Fear - If they are frightened of the dark, you might say, “It can be scary at night. Let’s leave a light on and make sure the doors are locked.” You can honor their feelings and give them a solution.
Sadness - If they are crying or feeling sad, you might say, “It’s okay to be sad. Sometimes I’m sad too. When I’m sad, I like a big hug. Would you like a hug?”
Anger - If they are angry, you might say, “Can you use your words to tell me why you are angry?” Listen, acknowledge what angered them, and offer a somatic practice by saying, “When angry, I like to take deep, slow breaths while placing my hands over my heart. Let’s do that together.”
As you welcome emotional expression without shame or judgment, your children can find their way back to peace as they learn to fully acknowledge and express their feelings. This also cultivates an atmosphere of connection and empathy.
“Naming it to tame it” isn’t only for children. We, too, can benefit from this tool of emotional expression. I encourage you to try it. When experiencing an intense emotion, try to identify and name what you are feeling. Also, notice where you feel it in your body? (e.g., “I’m feeling angry and I feel it in my neck” or “I’m feeling anxious and I feel it in my chest.”) Be with the emotion as you allow it to be expressed. This simple act can create a little distance between yourself and the emotion. The intensity usually decreases as you name your feelings to tame them. Naming your emotions can help quiet your amygdala while engaging your prefrontal cortex, which helps you to process and regulate your nervous system. If you still feel disregulated, take some deep breaths or take a walk outside. And if you believe in God, invite Him into everything you are feeling. Never forget, your feelings matter to Him, and so do you!
